adventures in margitness

Funerals are such strange things.

It was good to see family I've not seen in years (or decades, even- I didn't even recognize one of my cousins... but then we realized it's been over 20 years since we last saw each other.) I hadn't seen "Granddaddy" Dayton (who also has Alzheimer's) since before I moved to Arizona and wasn't sure what to expect, but he recognized me and waved and called me "Anna"... just like always. Then he told me I talk like a Yankee.

The bulk of the day is one big blur of sunshine and family and tears and hugs and Catholicism.

One of Nannie's monogrammed hankies that came home to live with me.

It was exhausting.

I drove back to Atlanta today and have cocooned myself in my little house. My BlackBerry has reminded me how fortunate I am- I can't count the supportive emails, text messages and phone calls I've received this week. I'm grateful for my friends.

::deep breath::

I'm okay.

My phone rang at 8:00 this morning as I hastily prepped for my wedding freelance gig. It was Mom, who typically calls on Sunday, but never in the morning. I knew what she was going to say before I accepted the call.

She was crying.

"Nannie died this morning."

 Yep. I knew that. I asked how she was holding up. And

"I can't even say 'I'm sorry' because I'm not. I'm glad that she's finally at peace."

Then I started crying, too.

She told me that she saw her yesterday and that she was peaceful and comfortable. I was glad to hear it, and glad for Mom that she got to be there before Nannie died. The last several times Mom visited her, Nannie never even knew she was there, as she'd been dying slowly for years from Alzheimer's.

On the way home from work I called Mom to check on her. They've written her obituary and made funeral arrangements. I'll bust out one of my black suits and go home Tuesday to be supportive for Mom, and we'll all go to the funeral together Wednesday.

I'm glad I had to work today- staying busy was good. I have had several moments of numb dumb_ness and got a little teary. Mostly I just kept moving, because no matter what was going on in my world, a wedding was gonna happen at 4:00 PM. Now I'm home alone. It's quiet and I'm crying.

I can't express how grateful I am for her influence in the lives of my Mom and me. She made our lives much better than they would've been otherwise. Mom's parents died when she was twelve, and Nannie came home from their funeral with my Mom.  So, there she was a divorcée in the early sixties with three boys of her own and a 'stray' girl... and they all grew up to be successful adults. She's always been one of my heroes that way.

I remember playing with her in her kitchen when I was a kid- we pulled all the chairs from under the table and used it as our stable, because we were horses. I remember doing crafty things with her when I'd visit for the weekend. I remember holidays and huge family meals prepped in the same kitchen in which we'd played. She was adventurous and always on the go, making friends everywhere she went.

Now she's really gone.

And now the rest of us get to grieve. I don't really know how to do that part so much, because I've not had to deal with death until now. I just know I loved her, and as glad as I am that she's finally at peace, I'm also sad.

My Great Aunt Margaret and her second husband Dayton, who survives her. *This* is the way I choose to remember both of them, regardless of the fact this was taken over 25 years ago.

I just realized my last post was made during snow day 2 of 3. It's now lush and green here in Atlanta.  The extended remix through-the-roof Spring pollen count almost killed me, but I've enjoyed reacquainting myself with a lot of things I've missed during those years in the desert: wisteria, dogwood, magnolia, honeysuckle... 

I'm still doing those things I've been doing, looking for a job [unfortunately] and [still], freelancing as those gigs present themselves, spending lots of quality time with a bunch of amazing people I get to call friends, and doing random projects around my little house.

The things that I've filled my days with are either not significant enough to post about, or too private to share.

All things considered, I'm doing well. It's sort of amusing that I'm remarkably more positive after my life turned upside down a year ago than I've been in my entire life.  I'm not sure how I managed that, but I'm certainly not gonna complain. This is the most drama free phase of my life I've ever experienced. I like that.

So.. until those things change, things remain quiet on the blog front...

It started snowing Friday afternoon in Atlanta. It was gorgeous! Big, fluffy, wet flakes. I was running errands when it started, and was amazed to see it accumulate.

This morning I woke up, opened the door to let Lola out... and was completely surprised to see it'd started snowing again.

By early afternoon, thanks to the sun and the wind, it was almost all gone. The roads were amazingly clear in the aftermath.

There's more snow in Monday's forecast.  I don't remember ever seeing this much snow in a southern winter before.

2009 wasn't kind. I won't miss it.

However, even with all the badassedness that was OhNine, I have a sneaking suspicion I might just be all the better for having gone through it. I'm amazed at how I could lose my job, end a relationship, quit smoking, move across the country and... maintain what has been the most positive perspective I've managed in... well, the entire history of me_ness.

Deciding to come home to Atlanta was hard. There were moments I felt like I was tucking my tail and running like a coward. Instead, I've come to realize it was the bravest choice.  And as my reward, I've been reminded that I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm talented, I'm fun, I'm beautiful and I'm loved. I'd forgotten all of those things at some point over the course of the year.

I'm happy to have learned to lighten my load by shedding the things that don't serve me well.  I choose to honor past relationships by continuing to nurture skills I acquired within them, rather than dwelling on the negative aspects or completely disregarding them. 

So after having done a loud NYE party with friends and a gorgeous, quiet New Year's Day feast with friends and colleagues, Lola and I are spending a quiet evening at home alone.  I'm going spend time caring for my leather- ALL the boots and coats are seeing a lot of action this winter and could use some love. In return, they'll love me back.

I never make resolutions, but this year I have made a silent vow: continue this forward progress. Everything else will fall into place as it should.